We’re not all going to die in 2017, unfortunately.

So, good news and bad news. Let’s do the good news first: you’re not going to die in 2017! Probably! Some people will, just statistically. But odds are, it’s not going to be you. Hooray!

Now the bad news: you’re not going to die in 2017. You’re going to witness every excruciating minute of it. Your eyes will be made to watch as the horrors reveal themselves, like an H.P. Lovecraft monster slowly emerging from the shadows. You will beg for death, for release, but 2017 has no use for pity.

Shitheads reign. They make you watch them put more decals on their lifted trucks. They talk to you about Drew Doughty. They think Patrick Kane was treated unfairly. They follow bearded, preening dipshits on Twitter who have exactly two kinds of posts: “Crushin’ it” (pictures with girls) and “Sorry crybabies, that weakling deserved to get curbstomped”. You have to abide profiles in major media outlets about these dipshits, about how their terrible ideas are controversial.

It’s going to fucking suck.

Kings @ Sharks

7:30 PM Pacific

Prediction: Bowed, bent, broken.