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Still a thing

Yes, the Wild still do exist

Minnesota Wild v Los Angeles Kings
“Wild? Baby, I’ll show you wild”
Photo by Juan Ocampo/NHLI via Getty Images

It’s been...six years? Eleven? Who knows? Anyway, it has been X amount of years since Minnesota got another NHL team, and they have apparently yet to relocate this one. This is despite having middling interest, not winning squat, and being the worst “Create-a-Team” makeup in the sport. I will admit the Houston Texans are sports’ overall worst Create-a-Team. Coincidentally, Houston is where Minnesota’s hockey team will likely land.

The...Wild? Really? They still go with that name? Uh, the Wild have been a team full of young aspiring players that now no longer play for the franchise. There’s been Marian Gaborik and Brent Burns aaaaaaaaaand that’s about it actually. Hm.

They still have Mikko Koivu and his five hundred bastard children that fill the seats to give the team a semblance of an audience. The remainder of the roster resembles a lousy season of The Surreal Life on VH1. NHL and Olympic hero from 2010, Zach Parise! Shea Weber’s Jake Muzzin, Ryan Suter! The ghost of a Staal brother! Shemp, I think?

The most notable aspect regarding the Wild (ugh) is their coach. Former regular season Duck champion, Bruce Boudreau. Not shockingly, the Wild have been good in the regular season. A Bruce Boudreau led team playing well in the dead of winter? What a surprise! I’m certain Anaheim and Washington are salivating at the thought of what meltdown may occur later this year. My money rests with Devan Dubnyk because his name is a cacophony of ugliness and he is still trying to trick people into thinking he is good.

Yet tonight they play the Kings, which will have all the excitement of searching for a public bathroom at a train station that doesn’t have a homeless man beating off in it. We are truly blessed. I suppose we may as well enjoy it before Minnesota causes yet another lockout because of their gratuitous contracts they hand out, and then move to Houston to become the “Wild Comets” or some other shit.

Prediction: The Kings play the same time as Houston plays the depleted sad sack Oakland Raiders for a playoff game. Neither sounds aspiring, so I will likely binge watch Adventure Time instead.