clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Battle(ofCali)Ship: Islanders Edition

New, 2 comments
There’s at least 3 good jokes in this article.

As an East coast Sharks fan who tries to stay awake during their home games, I could write about how disappointed I am every time I wake up on the couch as the game is winding down only to see the Sharks are losing yet again. Or I could write about how Patrick Marleau is awkwardly having a great start to his season while his replacement on the Sharks, ________, has been completely invisible. But instead I'm going to annotate the first 9 minutes of Battleship, aka the greatest movie of all-time.

We start in 2005, a “Goldilocks” planet was discovered that they name Planet G. The head science dork makes it seem like it's an awesome name to chose for a planet that they believe has life on it because Goldilocks starts with G. Get it?! A year later scientists are shooting messages to the planet. During the first transmission an asshole nerd that clearly thinks he deserves attention from women because he's 'a nice guy' drops a major forshadowing bomb by likening aliens to Columbus and mankind to Indians (his word) because, again, he's clearly an asshole and will go full Alt-Right White Nationalist in 10 years. Oh, and the signal that is beamed to the planet looks like a giant laser beam because when you shoot a radio signal into space, it becomes a giant laser beam because Michael Bay.

Let's blast planets with laser radio beams!

Stone Temple Pilots starts playing to lock in fact that the movie is taking place in the mid-2000s because everyone associates STP with 2006. The least successful Hemsworth brother, Taylor Kitsch, comes on screen, all long haired and disheveled so you know he's a dead beat. The man least likely to be his brother, Alexander Skarsgard, decides it'd be nice to get him even more drunk for his birthday. He has a bizarre accent that wants to be American, but is also the furthest thing from it at the same time. It's impressive.

We've got a pep talk and a construction job offer to really drive home the fact that the little brother is a worthless piece of shit. An attractive woman walks in and asks the slovenly bartender for a chicken burrito. Instead of instantaneously saying yes he closes the microwave door and says the kitchen is closed. Oh man, what a turn of events, a crusty old man saying no to an attractive woman. Baby Hopper (spoiler alert: that's their last name) sneaks a peak at Ms. Chicken Burrito and is immediately struck by Cupid's arrow. Ultimatum time from the Elder Hopper...construction work or the Navy...the only two options his piece of shit brother has in life.

We now start the finest series of events to ever grace the silver screen. Baby Hopper totally uses his birthday wish on the girl (which greatly angers his brother who seems to think wishes are real). He drunkenly stumbles to the bar, tells the bartender to “chicken burrito her,” which fails for some reason, so he tells her that he will save the day and get her a chicken burrito. She gives him 5 minutes, mostly because it'll get his drunk ass away from her. Young Hop runs across the street to a gas station right as they're closing up shop. Oh man, if he didn't have bad luck, he'd have no luck at all! The store owner is unmoved by Tiny Hop's plea for needing a chicken burrito and the owner actually has the nerve to say it's too late to eat a burrito. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. This is, by far, the most unlikely thing to happen in this movie.

Why are we saying chicken burrito so much? We're not sponsored by chicken burritos.

Cue up the Pink Panther theme because the audience for this film is going to be familiar with this reference. We jump to security cam footage from the store which means only good things are about to happen. At 12:11:54 he starts breaking in. Ceiling tiles fall down and then so does the Hoplette. At 12:14:50 he puts the burrito into the microwave and at 12:15:30 he's putting money on the counter to pay for the burrito because he's a good person. He's trying to get out through the ceiling (instead of just unlocking the door from the inside) and at 12:16:42 he's falling out of the ceiling again. He's now been gone longer than 5 minutes which means he broke his first promise to Chicken Burrito. Not a strong foot to start a relationship off on. Oh, and he microwaved the burrito for like 30 seconds. There's no way it's even warm.

WE'VE GOT POLICE SIRENS! There's a mad dash as he runs across the street, causing multiple accidents. He gets shot with a taser and falls to the ground, he's so close to the bar, just get up! He does! This amazes one of one of the cops who incredulously states “he's getting back up!” Chicken Burrito is now outside, Shocked Hop reaches out with burrito in hand, she grabs what has to be a still cold gas station chicken burrito as a sly smile spreads across her face. It's true love! They're perfect for each other! Aaaaaand he gets blasted with a taser one more time.

AUTHOR: This movie is the greatest!

Taps is playing in the background. Is he dead? No, he's an attractive white male who ran from the cops and got up after getting tased while clawing his way towards a woman he didn't know. He's completely fine, and, in fact, will get rewarded for it. The next scene starts with Lil' Hop in a bath full of ice, like an ungodly amount of ice. How do they have that much ice? Their freezer could not hold that much ice. Did he buy the ice that morning? He's clearly hungover so I doubt it. Did his brother go out and buy the ice? Fuck no, he's super pissed at him because, wait for it, Chicken Burrito's father is the Admiral of the Navy! Oh shit! Old Hop is not pleased because he's messing with HIS JOB! His job being in the Navy. He's in the Navy in case you didn't figure it out. It was casually hinted at back at the bar but now it's crystal clear. To make it more clear, he's wearing a University of Hawaii shirt? Wait, that's to remind you that the movie is set in Hawaii, because you already forgot that fact. Also, I didn't mention it.

I have seen this movie more than any other movie in my life. I wish I was joking.

Anyway, the Sharks play the Islanders tonight. They've been about as inconsistently hot as a 30 second microwaved gas station burrito to start the season. Maybe they'll get the runs from eating it and something good will come of it. It's an East Coast game so at least I can watch Pete DeBoer roll out 15 different line combinations in real time.