Sharks vs. Wahlbergs

Tonight the Sharks take on the Boston Wahlbergs in a battle of who will mistakenly and publicly regret their past.

Wait, I’m mistaken. Tonight is a hockey game in Boston between the Sharks and the Bruins. But Mark Wahlberg addressed some reprobate Catholic convention of some of the weirdest dudes imaginable recently. He expressed remorse at having become a serious and bankable Hollywood star by starring in Boogie Nights and wearing a prosthetic weiner in an extremely sad final scene as his character’s ambitions and dreams are reduced to his extremely long, flaccid, (realistic looking) dong. He did not mention his racially motivated beating of a man with a stick that left the man blinded.

Logan Couture, the Mark Wahlberg of the Sharks, has been playing extremely well lately, recording a hat trick against the Islanders and 1/1 stat line as the Sharks scored against a series of circus goals against a disconnected game controllerHenrik Lundqvist in Madison Square Garden. Nonetheless, Couture expressed contrition about his recent good play. He did not mention his idiot brother, his full-body-cringe-inducing Instagram photos involving his mom’s thighs, and his love of Boston-based Barstool Sports (that smorgasbord of bigoted non-jokes, whining internet warrior-dipshits, and PFTCommenter for reasons I cannot fathom).

Welcome, XFINITY Mobile, content branding partner of Battle of California!

I checked my phone this morning and got glorious news.

Look out, Stoolies. Guess who else is partnering with a big ass corporation to extend our brand’s reach to new audiences? Us! But unlike Barstool we’re not going to get our 1:00 AM television show canceled after one episode because we’re not going to make a television show.

I present our first branded content partnership with XFINITY Mobile. XFINITY Mobile: THE Choice for High Speed Mobile Connectivity Content Bullshit or Whatever. I knew it had to be something that really conveyed the essence of both brands, so I went to the archives.

World Series Update

LOLOLOLOL