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Let’s move to Canada

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Not really

Canada v United States
Pictured: better than Canada
Photo by Maddie Meyer/Getty Images

Canada is awesome for two things: Cold weather and losing.

Sure, they got universal healthcare, but everywhere* has that! They also got poutine, which you can make wherever. Tim Horton’s? Overrated and also here in America. Moose? Boring. Terrorist geese? Not on Sully’s watch. But mostly they lose. I guess maybe not in Olympic hockey, but hey, that could change here soon. Thanks Gary!

America and Canada share a history of white people wiping out indigenous cultures, but that’s been about it. Maybe some institutional racism as well. Unlike healthcare, that’s something the whole developed world has done a good job implementing. Canada may not have a xenophobic reality television senior citizen as their leader, but Justin Trudeau won’t be there forever. Get ready for Prime Minister Randy from Trailer Park Boys! (is he a racist? I don’t know but his stomach offends me)

The rest of Canada loses and keeps on losing. Here in America, we win. I think. Yeah, I guess we do. What have we won? Wouldn’t you like to know, weather boy. That’s secrets only winners hear.

You lose trades. Like with Wayne Gretzky, P.K. Subban, Phil Kessel, and soon Connor McDavid. You lose Cups. You lose dignity, like with this idiot.

look at this fuckin dingus

Then you made him secretary of the interior or whatever the Canadian version of that is. Inside Looker Eh.

You suck. Fuck you. You’re ass backwards and a wanna-be. You’re such garbage you shouldn’t even bother having the Kings visit anymore and should just forfeit all your games to them from here on out. Except when Winnipeg moves to Houston, Ottawa moves to Seattle, and Calgary moves to Kansas City. Those games we can do. Because it’s not a game being played in Loserstan or Loservania.

Instead you trot out horseshit traditions like being good at hockey when the NHL only had six teams and a cartoon mockery of border patrol. Knock this shit off. You jerk-asses gave us the Athletic and ignore empty calorie blogs like this one. At least we’re free, dicks. Actually, Mirtle gave us BoC, too. Canada clearly can’t stop making loser garbage!

Stop making my winner team visit you losers.