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Famous for beans

Food Network & Cooking Channel New York City Wine & Food Festival Presented By Coca-Cola - Michael Laiskonis Chocolate Master Class
eat your god damn beans
Photo by Grant Lamos IV/Getty Images for NYCWFF

Beanstown, USA is one of the oldest proudest beaniest towns in the world. When America was founded, Beanstown became a bustling hamlet that had the economy thrive off of the burgeoning bean trade. Everywhere in America needed those precious beans, and thus Beanstown was put on the map.

During America’s founding and revolt against England, there was the famous Beanstown Tea Party. A bunch of guys boarded ships and threw tea into the ocean because they demanded beans. England was so taken aback by this, they decided to serve beans for breakfast from then on. .

Ben Franklin first visited Beanstown and was quoted as saying, “Holy fuck what is with you people and your beans, you’re fucking crazy homie”

Over time, Beanstown began to be called Boston by the locals due to a botched pronunciation that is due to the worst accent in humankind. Along with the accent, Beanstown continued their downward trend of exports. See exhibit A:

remember JoJo? I sure don’t.

Beanie Babies were invented in Beanstown, too after the countless dead infants who were stuffed with beans by over zealous bean crazed parents.

The Bruins came into existence when team founder Charles Francis Adams named them after his favorite activity of “brewin up some beans”. The team carries on the tradition of beans by employing the human fart bag, Brad Marchand.

This was substantially better than the Red Sox who got their name from an affliction that affects Beanstown residents when they ate too many beans and shat out their intestines a bit to where it followed them around looking like a red sock.

After the Bruin Beans score a goal, they loudly and proudly play for the goal song the city’s anthem.

Beans, beans

The musical fruit

The more you eat

The more you toot

The more you toot

The better you feel

So let’s have beans for every meal.

The Bruins then lower a giant papier-mâché head of Jack Edwards while beans fall out of his mouth and the crowd goes fucking bonkers over it.

The beans have gotten the teams into trouble before though. Mike Milbury went into the crowd to fight fans after one of them pilfered one of his many cans of beans off the bench. Zdeno Chara caused the “Great Bean Scare of 06” when he first came to Beanstown as they were unprepared for his gargantuan bean appetite. Non bean lovers were shipped out of town promptly, no matter how good they were, such as Tyler “No beans please” Seguin, Phil “These beans are cold” Kessel, Blake “Beans again? C’mon” Wheeler, Dougie “I HATE BEANS AND STOP CALLING ME DOUGIE MY NAME IS DOUG” Hamilton, and Joe “I fucked this can of beans” Thornton.

Prediction

Mark Wahlberg stars in a movie where he eats beans while wearing a beanie and gets beaned with a beanbag called The Hasbean.