I’ve been breaking my back for the Kings tirelessly for like five years now. It’s a thankless job. One where I have to write about a sad sack Cup winning hockey team in beautiful Southern California for a bunch of a corroding dildos that we generously refer to as “readers”. Yes, you.

The Kings owe me. You owe me. How much do you owe me? Tons probably. Got promoted? That was Battle of California? Had a kid? That’s 82 regular lame ass gameday posts each year. Had twins? Probably the far too many posts forced to be written about Arizona. Got married? I can guarantee you that was because of the post about furries.

The Kings owe me because I helped them win a Cup in 2014. They have been paying me back however by mercifully only having five playoff games in the last three years. I have appreciated having the summer off. Will they force me to write about them this summer? Let’s evaluate that:

They fired Sutter!

Wow! Right? I mean, I thought he was gonna retire in 2014 or 2015, but hey? So, uh...wow! He looked tired, and the team was pretty stale. It was a smart move. Now he can pick up cow shit instead of inserting it into the lineup regularly (I’m looking at you Andreoff).

They fired Dean “Termination” Lombardi!

Remember when Dean didn’t buyout Mike Richards and then threw him under the bus while saying he felt betrayed and cried? What a load of shit. There were also the Stoll and Voynov incidents (one being far more sinister than the other), and he propped up Rob Scuderi’s corpse for a playoff series.

Ah...and the Milan Lucic deal.

He should have been fired for that before the deal was done. Than we might have Colin Miller on the blueline instead of whatever the fuck a Folin is. (More on him later just kidding I don’t know anything about him)

Also it cost a first round pick, Martin Jones is in San Jose, and I had to put up with Lucic for a whole god damn year. Do you have any idea how exhausting that is? Dealing with a corn cob fucking gorilla? He made me miss Daniel Carcillo.

Piss off, Dean. You cheap Tijuana amusement park outhouse of “concern”.

Promotions!

Oh yeah, they had to hire guys to replace the old, angry guy and the wimpy, inept mobster.

Fortunately, whoever makes these decisions must have walked into a room with Rob “BOOOOOOO” Blake, Luc “LUUUUUUUUUUC” Robitaille, and John “Generic Name” Stevens all in it at the same time after someone asked, “Oh yeah, we have to hire guys to replace the old, angry guy and the wimpy, inept mobster.”

Luc became president or something and Rob became GM or vice president or whatever and Stevens became coach again.

Stevens has been with the team forever, and probably has a short leash. Luc could be, umm, sorta tough to fire if he screws up. That’s probably why Blake was named GM, so roster decisions are his fault, and we can boo his ass again if/when he screws up and trades Michael Amadio and a first round draft pick for Justin Abdelkader.

So far, the team looks faster, and Tyler Toffoli and Tanner Pearson got agreeable contracts. The draft went pretty okay too, and the team is slowly rebuilding it’s pipeline.

Michael Cammalleri is back!

Remember him? The short guy. Who always did kneeling one-timers. Los Angeles traded him for a pick that turned into Colton Teubert.

Now he’s back! And old. He’s slated to be on the first line. Yeah...

Uhhhh Darcy Kuemper!

I hate this name. Get it away from me.

Alex Iafallo!

He’s fast I think. I’ve only really paid attention to him on that highlight of the Brooks Laich overtime goal in preseason. He was apparently better than Laich, Brandon Prust, Andrei Loktionov, Michael Mersch, Justin Auger, and Jaromir Jagr. No pressure, kid.

The rest!

Fantenberg and Folin sounds like IKEA furniture but I guess they play defense?

Alex Faust is the new play by play announcer!

I don’t like this new guy because he is my age and reminds me that I have achieved exactly nothing. He and Joe Davis (the Dodgers’ new guy) are jerks who make me feel insecure in my career (I don’t have one) and my girlfriend thinks they’re hot. Joe Davis at least is married, but I’m not sure about Alex. I will just need to get to him before she does.

Me!

I’m not actually not doing anything with the team, because I only involve myself with winners. But I am still blogging about them and swearing and making fun of them because it’s something to do and I want Andy Andreoff to actually show up at my job one day and kick my ass.

If you want to write about the Kings and make fun of our stupid team and our stupid sport in our stupid world, feel free to. I’ll even put your name on it. You’ll be famous on the internet, and nothing gets a girl riled up like a hockey blogger. Even if it’s about our loser team.

Mostly, do my work for me because I am tired and busy playing Zelda.

Tonight’s game!

Vs The Philadelphia “Worst Sports City in America according to Colin Cowherd” Flyers

The Flyers and the Kings used to have history, but now it’s basically limited to Wayne Simmonds, Jeff Carter, Ron Hextall, and Stevens. They’re that old ex we said we would stay friends with, and naturally you ignore them except when you check to see if they put on weight or if you’re hotter than the guy you don’t know who’s in their new Facebook photos.

What to watch:

It’s a new era in Los Angeles, even though it’s the same old-ass bunch of guys.

Prediction:

The Kings lose 4-1. Stevens gets fired.