clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Battle(ofCali)Ship: Kings Edition

You sunk my Browntleship
Associate Press

When we last left our intrepid heroes, one was soaking in an ice bath while the other yelled at his brother in 2006. It is now 2012, what happened in those 6 years? Who cares, it's time for the RIMPAC games! You've heard of the World Cup, well, that's a piece of shit tournament of the absolute best soccer players from around the world playing for their country when you compare it to watching the best soccer players from different countries' navies playing against each other. Or at least that what the TV guy would have you believe. We find the US down to Japan 2-0, Alex Hopper (the younger of the Hopper children) is the team leader on the field. What a transition over the last 6 years, from long haired screw up to buzz cut soccer leader. And what inspirational words does he say to his team? Why that would be “Let's turn it up!” And boy do they ever turn it up, by giving up great attempt after great attempt to Japan that goalie Stone Hopper knocks aside. Yes, old Hopper is named Stone, I told you this was the greatest movie of all time.

This was said without any irony.

Rihanna! Oh man, she's the best. Every line she delivers is the best and her yelling at a Japanese player rolling on the ground to get up is a great introduction to her character. GOAL! Scored by Alex because of course it would be. Chicken Burrito is on the sidelines and Young Hop gets a hug and a kiss from her! They've been together for 6 years since that fateful burrito night. Who said love and romance is dead?

Rihanna is too cool to wear an actual jersey because she's Rihanna.

We're in stoppage time, US down 2-1, one minute to go. Stone yells at Alex to just run and he places a perfect pass into the box from his own goal, which is pretty incredible, but totally believable. We never see any other US player, I'm pretty sure they're playing with 3 people, which may be why they're losing. Tiny Hop jumps to score the inevitable tying goal aaaaaaaaaand gets kicked in the face by a Japanese player. We've got a PK! Stone is telling Alex some guy named Bronson is going to take the PK, which we know is the right choice because it's the first time we're introduced to him. Alex threatens Bronson's life over an exhibition soccer game, which really pisses of Stone because Bronson is one of Alex' soldiers. That Stone, such a straight laced do-gooder with a weird accent.

We've got some light-hearted banter between a Japanese player and Alex, you just know this conflict will grow because that Japanese player is the only other person to really say anything so far that's not named Hopper. He lines up his shot and launches it about 50 feet too high and 100 feet too long. The announcers are giving us a heads up on what this means of Young Hop's character, that he's stubborn, does things his own way, and won't listen to authority. Thank you for this obvious exposition. I'm dumb and needed it. But Stone's not mad, he's a wonderful guy who is altruistic and caring.

What a good older brother. Forces Alex into the Navy and then consoles him when he continues being a screw up.

Hopper and Chicken Burrito are getting comfortable with each other on the beach, awww, he's going to ask her father's permission to marry her. It's about time. Imagine how many chicken burritos he gave her in that time. No, that's not a euphemism, I'm honestly curious to know how many chicken burritos he's gotten her in the past 6 years.

Oooh, space! That satellite is still shooting radio laser beams into space at Goldilocks. Wonder why they're randomly showing this now? Well that explains it, there's an alien space craft tumbling towards earth! But before we find out what's going to happen to with the aliens, we need to listen to a speech by Liam Neeson. The casting for this movie is really all over the place. Everyone's listening intently except for, you guessed it, Alex Hopper. That lovable scamp is late! He and Chicken Burrito get to the speech right as Mr. Neeson is honoring a bunch of super old Navy guys. Mr. Face Kicker is there, giving some attitude to our intrepid hero. I'm telling you, there's going to be some conflict between those guys.

Todd from Breaking Bad is making vaguely racist jokes next to Rihanna, but I guess if you murdered a child in cold blood, your moral compass is slightly out of whack. Maybe we should applaud him for being a little racist instead of killing another child. Stone gives a dumb speech and sucks up to the old seamen (again, not a euphemism). Over all not the most thrilling 9 minutes, but we got introduced to Rihanna’s character so that's a pretty big net positive.

I guess the Sharks are playing the LA Kings today. I said that if the Kings get 100 points this year that I'd eat a game worn Kopitar jersey. They've responded by having like 40 points through the first 8 games somehow so I'm going to have to start saving up some money. Jerseys are vegan, right?