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Make Hockey Great Again

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just kidding it was never great

NHL: Buffalo Sabres at Winnipeg Jets
this shit was in fucking WINNIPEG
Bruce Fedyck-USA TODAY Sports

Today’s post was written by a very special guest

Hello America.

As your favorite leader, I have taken it upon myself to repair our broken horrendous country. It starts with our most important aspects of our lives. That is sports. I love sports. I played all the sports when I was younger, and still do in fact, and remain the best at them.

But they are a disaster now. The NFL openly hates America. Baseball allows illegals in, unchecked. The NBA only employs a handful of a Americans who suffer from economic anxiety, and only to shoot three pointers.

The NHL is the biggest mess of them all. All thanks to Tiny Gary. He’s been a total, and complete, failure. Only I can repair our broken hockey league.

Hockey has gotten too soft, first off. The fake news wants you to think something with concussions are happening. Let me tell, it’s not. No. We have skulls. They protect our brains. These guys used to get hit in the head with punches all the time and they were fine. They were so tough and beautiful back then. Now we have to be PC and everyone is weak. More punches. Less helmets.

The mainstream media also wants you to think climate change is real. It’s not. We have ice in these rinks. Where does it come from? Because it’s cold. If global warming was real, they would be playing in water. You couldn’t play hockey that way. It’s a Chinese hoax, believe me. Thank you hockey for proving ME RIGHT AGAIN.

There are so many other problems your sport has. So many. The walls around the icy stuff is not big enough. Nazem Kadri is allowed to play, and we have no idea where he is from. American workers are a minority. It’s what we always feared. We need more Americans. Though these are the good type of immigrants.

Ice girls! They’re wonderful. You’re doing great work here NHL. Tiny Gary may have made a lot of mistakes, but you all are doing amazing, amazing work here with this. Believe me.

NBC. I hate them. Terrible, terrible fake news. Mike Malbursy, Jerome Roenock. though Great, wonderful people. They would know how to run this league. Not Tiny Gary. They would let me own a team. The NFL didn’t because they were scared of me. The NHL would let me. It would be a big, beautiful team. Gold nets, gold lines. We won't have protests of our incredible military. And our ratings would be so good. Not like the NFL. Sad!

I have always loved the hockey. I hear Putin likes it. I don’t know. I have never spoken to Putin. But Putin has told me he likes hockey. Also he said that I would be amazing at it.

The Rangers! I love the Rangers! Not like Obama. No. He never went to games. He was afraid of it. Too tough for him. And the crowd would boo him. Boo him all the time. Believe me. But you all love me! I see your fans and I know they would love me. Not like basketball fans.

The Rangers though, they were so good. They were so perfect. They should have won until Cheatin’ Alec ruined everything. Martinez. MUR-teeeeen-es. A bad hombre. He has ruined the Rangers. The proud red, white, and blue ruined by this dangerous, criminal illegal immigrant. I know it says he is from Michigan. More fake news. I have seen his birth certificate. He was born in Mexico into a gang. How long will we let this carnage happen? We need to get tough on crime.

This is how I will Make Hockey Great Again

Prediction

Alex Ovechkin steals the game after he reveals on wiki-leaks that Jonathan Quick has never seen Saving Private Ryan and is forced to leave in the second period to watch after the crowd boos him.