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Battle(ofCali)Ship: Canucks Edition

It’s a whale shark, like if the Canucks mascot and Shar...you know what, this was a bad road to go down.

Two back to back games in like a week? Come on NHL, that’s just dumb. But you know what’s not dumb? Battleship.

Dr. Goldilocks and Nerdboy are talking about the crashed alien spacecraft. They're saying the only element they can identify so far is lawrencium, whose most stable isotope has a halflife in the range of minutes. They go on to say they can't identify any other elements even though this would be patently false. They go on to guess it's a communications ship of sorts, how they guessed this but can't do simple elemental analysis is beyond me. But hey, if they lost their communication ship, then it's a good thing all the other spaceships are near a giant communications satellite dish array. I get the feeling this will be an important plot point.

Todd from Breaking Bad is the first to spot the alien craft in the water, then Old Man Hop sees it with his own eyes too. But it's not on radar. It's a real head-stumper, you know that old saying...a real head-stumper. Luckily Rihanna is good at her job and finally gives the Young Hop a chance to see the spaceship for the first time. This is actually a little tense.

I'll tell you what, boys, I've never heard anyone say head-stumper.

Ancient Hop sends out a little recon mission with Rihanna, Mini Hop, and some random dude so we know that at least two of them won't die as they investigate the giant alien structure. Todd is creepily watching from his giant binoculars. It's like he's looking for another small child to shoot in cold blood. The random guy's name is Beast. And let me tell you, he is dumb. But not as dumb as Young Hop is. He takes like 2 seconds to go from attempting to communicate with the ship to jumping on an unidentified ship in the middle of the ocean and kicking it.

Hopalong is wandering around on the ship, looking confused, which is his default look. Beast tells him it's a bad idea, which is 100% correct. Rihanna tells him he's an idiot. Which is also 100% correct. So obviously he keeps walking around the ship going closer to the giant thing sticking out of the water and reaches out to touch it. He was just kicking the damned thing, so what's the harm in touching it? The ship seems to be more of a foot person because as soon as Hopster touches it, he's blasted into the air by an electrical charge.

The most naturally delivered line Young Hop has in the movie.

Apparently the ship needed that electrical jolt to come online because that mother fucker gets woke after sending Hopper flying. It shoots giant lasers into the sky that turns into a giant force field around the entire Hawaiian islands, but somehow Admiral Neeson's fleet of ships is just outside of the force field by like 100 yards. What a development! A plane crashes right into the field which no one seems that bent out of shape about. We're back through the force field, and some rando is blaming North Korea for this whole thing.

Giant alien ships start popping out of the water and shit is about to GO DOWN! We're finally getting somewhere here. One of the more low key hilarious moments of the movie is after all the giant warships pop out of the water, Old Man Hop blasts a fog horn at the aliens as a warning. In response the aliens send a shockwave back at them, blowing out all the windows in the ship. It's a pretty good show that whatever the humans do to the aliens, they will respond with a much greater show of force.

Does Senior Hopper figure this out? No, no he does not. He decides it's a good idea to fire actual artillery at one of the ships. Is this a good idea? Tune in next time to find out!

I've been laughing at this image for 5 minutes.

The Sharks are playing the Canucks today. Vancouver won a few games early in the season and then everyone on their team got hurt and now they suck like they should have from the beginning. The Sharks are looking a bit more like a hockey team, I guess getting healthier has a way of doing that. I feel like the season is finally getting going, much like Battleship.