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The Senators are not moving to Seattle

I’m serious

NHL: Los Angeles Kings at Ottawa Senators
Ottawa losing
Marc DesRosiers-USA TODAY Sports

The Ottawa Senators are a horrendous mark on not just hockey, or even sports, but reality. They should not exist. We’ve been over this so many times, and it remains infuriating because of how maddening their continued malignant existence is. They look like shit, they don’t even play in Ottawa, and their roster is faker than the Ducks’ lineup from NHL 94.

Ottawa is barely a market in its own right, but, again, this team plays in Kanata at the Tire Center. It’s a four hour trip to what I think may be a suburb. It may more closely resemble Chino. I don’t know. What I do is that the Senators had to take out seats because there weren’t enough asses in them. While I may have a Master’s Degree in Sports Management (someone please hire me) I don’t think you need one to determine that’s not a great indicator for how your franchise is doing.

Then there is Seattle. Seattle has been one of the biggest markets in the country, yet somehow lost a burgeoning basketball franchise to fucking Oklahoma City, a city which is renowned for giving me bedbugs. Seattle has wanted an NBA team dearly since then, because (SURPRISE!) it was the owner’s decision to fuck the city over.

There has been a whole ordeal over (SURPRISE AGAIN!) the arena and who should pay for upgrades/a new one. Because of this, Seattle has kept an open mind with the NHL. Given its proximity with Vancouver, it makes a ton of sense and the pacific northwest is a grossly underserved market. Well, besides soccer. But who cares?

Instead the NHL put a team in Vegas, a city with no major pro teams. The Oakland Raiders are moving in, but the NFL is in a weird ass state of couch surfing that also includes five teams moving to Los Angeles. So Seattle remains home to the Mariners who still languish in Ken Griffey Jr.’s shadow, and the Seattle Seahawks who have a coach still re-watching Loose Change.

Which brings us back to Ottawa. The Senators are forgettable at best, and wished to be forgotten at worst. They have one of the best defensemen in the game with Erik Karlsson, who is ignored each season except by nerds who watch calculators. There’s been talk of the Senators packing up and running out west.

No.

The NHL has a weird 31 number of teams, and the Central division has seven teams whereas everyone else has eight. Seattle makes all the sense in the world to land another expansion team, even though the NHL expanding further is idiotic. But with Vegas already added, well, the league is gonna need to do some maneuvering to avoid being stuck with an odd (literally and figuratively) amount of teams.

The Senators aren’t going anywhere. In fact they are so not going anywhere, the NHL is more likely to have them fold. Which they should. And will do. Bobby Ryan, Matt Duchene, and Erik Karlsson will be free. Then the NHL will be back at 30 teams like they are supposed to be. Because when you list the NHL teams now, you get 30 teams anyway. Because you forgot the Senators again.

Then Seattle and Houston can get the Islanders or Hurricanes or Panthers or the Wild. We can then move on to getting rid of Winnipeg and Calgary to bring the NHL down to the ultra desirable 28 teams. Hockey having more franchises than the NFL makes no sense!

Maybe we can get the NHL down to 24 teams by getting rid of the Ducks and Coyotes? Perhaps a mulligan on Vegas? I’m sorry I’m getting ahead of myself.

Let’s keep it simple. Let’s rid everyone of the Senators. For hockey. For sports. For the world. Most of all, for me. I don’t want to have to learn this nonsensical roster they currently have with Dzarangle and Lumu and the Ice Hockey Player Formerly Known As TOM. The Vegas lineup is bad enough.

Prediction!

The game is cancelled as the Senators relocate to Baghdad.