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Let’s get the stupidity done and over with

Each deadline comes and goes with at least a few stupid as hell deals, whether they are long term or for a rental player. The Kings have had an illustrious stretch of debacles for rentals like Jeff Halpern, Andrej Sekera, and Kris Versteeg. This year seems to be the same sort of setup. This is largely due to:

  1. Their limited cap space.
  2. They definitely need a forward.
  3. Forwards are really costly right now.
  4. There’s no shortage of old, expensive, shitty forwards that I hate.

So let’s take a stroll down which deadline acquisition is most likely to piss me off and have me drinking a tall glass of Drain-O.

Jarome Iginla

Darryl Sutter and Dean Lombardi fucking love this old bald fuck. He’s, again, old and bald. He’s on a dead last sorry as shit Avalanche team and should likely retire.

Likely position?

Get ready for him to inexplicably play with Anze Kopitar for 18 minutes a game.

Likelihood?

Like all trades at this point, Colorado would have to eat salary. They should be in FIRE sale mode, but have been relatively quiet so far, even with guys they 100% should jettison.

Will it help?

Oh hell no.

What would this cost?

It shouldn’t be much but will be stupendously high anyways. Probably LaDue.

How much will it piss me off?

Of the old worthless wingers, not as much as what else is coming, but I’d be rolling around naked and drunk in a bathtub.

Thomas Vanek

The once prolific, oft injured European scorer is on a dead as their owner Red Wings team. He’s done okay with a terrible as hell Detroit team.

Likely position?

He will either play on the first line or the fourth line. Marian Gaborik found true linemates with Trevor Lewis and Nick Shore, so now Vanek would take his old role.

Likelihood?

He’s gone. He knows it. The Kings need a scorer. He sorta scores? But the Kings reportedly hate him for whatever reason.

Will it help?

Probably, until he gets hurt in his second game.

What would this cost?

Gravel? Maybe? If Alexandre Burrows got a top flight prospect, I think the chance of Vanek being swapped for a low end draft pick is out of the question.

How much will it piss me off?

All depends on the cost, but I’d be okay with this trade probably. Which means the Kings hate him and won’t do it.

P.A. Parenteau

Have you heard of him? I think he’s real. He plays for the Devils so who really knows?

Likely position?

Uhhhhhhhhh a depth winger?

Likelihood?

He’s played for like half the league already.

Will it help?

P.A. Potenteauly ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha maybe.

What would this cost?

A second rounder and Kevin Gravel or Paul LaDue.

How much will it piss me off?

Probably a lot because it’s just three kids standing on each others shoulders wearing a hockey jersey.

Patrick Sharp (with special Johnny Oduya combo)

Keep your wife/girlfriend away, a scum sucker is looking for a new home! Also, his big beared buff butthead friend.

Likely position?

Doggy. Er, top line.

Likelihood?

Another huge contract that would need to have a lot retained. Dean Lombardi reportedly said he wanted better defense during a call with reporters also, which is why the Oduya bit could happen to. The Kings also apparently think it’s 2013 still.

Will it help?

No. Double no if Oduya comes along.

What would this cost?

Alec Martinez and my fandom.

How much will it piss me off?

Patrick Sharp is a shit head. Oduya is garbage. Neither one would help terribly much, and Gravel/LaDue are already better options than Oduya’s geriatric body-builder husk. There’s a reason the Dallas Stars have fallen off a cliff, and I’d be driving my car off of the same one if the Kings trade for both of them. If it’s just Sharp for a reasonable price, meh. I’ll complain but what else is new?

Shane Doan

I swear to god, the fact this is even a possibility makes me wish Iran or Russia or North Korea or the moon nukes the ever loving fuck out of us.

Likely position?

HELL

Likelihood?

WAY TOO LIKELY

Will it help?

FUCK NO

What would this cost?

DON’T FUCKING DO IT

How much will it piss me off?

I will cut off my own dick, send it in a very tasteful vase to Dean Lombardi, and then shit myself so violently that I launch myself to the moon. Elon Musk takes credit for it.