Super Bowels

We are just barely into this year, and even less into President Tangerine Pee Boy running the show, and it’s already been chaotic as fuck. Each day, we wake up wondering what the hell else has gone wrong. In the meantime we have to wake up at the crack of dawn for a stupid nationally broadcasted hockey game.

Yet this is just the tip (lol) of things to come (lol) today.

The pants shitting event of the year. The whine and piss festival. The lard and salt sucking extravaganza. IT’S FOOOOOOOOBAAAAAAAW.

Except I really don’t think anyone cares about this game. The Patriots are always in this stupid game seemingly, and no one really seems to have strong opinions regarding the Falcons in either direction. New England is the pro-Trump team and are known for cheating. Atlanta plays in a dome.

Even the city where this is happening is boring as shit. Houston? Couldn’t even get Dallas? Ugh.

So here’s how to spend your day:

• Read this post, likely while pooping.
• Watch hockey, and take long cathartic poops during the intermission.
• Prepare lard and salt for ingestion.
• Watch 5 minutes of football before getting bored.
• Whine and piss at commercials that you don’t agree with and say you will never buy their brand again because these things bother you.
• Go poop again.
• Watch Lady Gaga for a minute before realizing you don’t know any of her songs.
• Sleep.
• Wake up for the last three minutes of the game.
• Miss a pivotal play because you had to poop.
• Say it was the best game you ever saw.
• Go to work Monday and wish for death.

Prediction: Kings lose, Patriots win, and Donald Trump tweets something else really stupid while he shits.