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Hey shitheads, score some goals

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You keep losing to shit teams despite your goalies playing well because you’re not scoring any goddamn goals. You should probably score some goals. It’s not like it gets any easier in the playoffs, dinguses. I’m all for taking a few games off here and there (ahem). And I get that half of you have the flu to some degree or another or whatever.

But.

You let Kari Lehtonen pull a shutout on you. A STARS goalie. That’s embarrassing. Don’t do that. The Stars are atrocious defensively and their goaltenders stink. We should know. We employed the other guy forever despite him kind of sucking whenever we needed him to not suck.

So but anyway score some goals against the clown troupe Minnesota Wild. They’re riddled with mumps, so nut up, smear some Purel all over your gloves and sweaters, and get out there and put the goddamn biscuit in the basket. You can burn the puck after scoring, and burn down the Xcel Energy Center after you win (you should probably do that regardless of the outcome), but just get the W first.

Sharks @ Wild

5:30 PM Pacific

Prediction: It’s like a live action musical of Masque of the Red Death but with less scoring.

The most fucked up video game I’ve ever played was “The Dark Eye” which I think I’ve talked about before. It was a CD-ROM multimedia game involving sort of clay puppet-like things reenacting Edgar Allan Poe stories. It was a nightmare. This is William S. Burroughs narrating The Masque of the Red Death.