clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Battle(ofCali)Ship: Coyotes Edition

Maybe a coyote ate your shark.

The yo-yos from death are still having a blast destroying the Hawaiian mainland (mainisland?) but now it’s time we learn more about this crazy force field thing. Admiral Neeson is letting you, the viewer, know that they can’t communicate with anyone inside the field and it’s very confusing. We cut to some military eggheads and they tell us the field goes up 300,000 feet in the air, or roughly 56 miles, while extending 2 nautical miles below the surface. So, it’s a pretty big wall. Luckily I’m a better person or else I’d make a real dumb political joke about a wall right now, but fuck everything about that bullshit.

Through this exposition drop, we find out there’s only 3 destroyers inside the field, one of them was blown the fuck up and everyone died (RIP Ancient Hopper), while the other got blown the heck up and most everyone is in the water. We jump back to Hopper staring like an idiot (his go to move) while people are clamoring around him trying to get the Japanese soldiers out of the water. It’s a very heartbreaking moment, seeing all the injured soldiers his dumbass decision created.

This is the face of the man that’s going to save the world?

It’s been a while, but we’re back with the other people in the movie. Chicken Burrito and Soldier Boy are on their hike when the alien scout vehicle buzzes by them. We next see Super MRA Nerd in his fortress of dorkitude when all his monitors go wonky as the aliens land. A bunch of aliens get off the ship, they look around but they’re wearing helmets so you can’t see what they look like, which is disappointing because you know the reveal is going to be dumb. Some park ranger comes by and tells Chicken Burrito and Soldier Boy they need to leave because aliens are attacking the island. No one seems that shocked about it. And then the Park Rangers get killed by the aliens quite handily.

Fat Rock comes into Hopper’s quarters to give him a pep talk because obviously Hop is sad his brother died, along with countless other people he knew personally, but that doesn’t mean shit to Fat Rock. He tells Hop if he can’t lead them, who can? And the answer to that question is anyone else. Literally everyone else that’s left would be more qualified than Hop. Give full command to Rihanna. Hell, make Rihanna president. And I don’t mean in the Battleship universe, I mean in real life. Somehow the lamest pep talk worked and Hopper makes a dramatic entrance into a room with...an alien captured? When the hell did that happen.

Alien Autopsy was more believable.

Obviously the alien’s not dead and jumps up, grabbing Hopper by the face. And also obviously the alien has a psychic touch ability that lets Hopper know their plan. That being communicating with their home planet and having more ships come to destroy the Earth. I fell this is a good way to get around the fact the aliens wouldn’t know english, to give them mystical powers that tell the main character their entire plan without a lame monologue. A rescue party busts into the alien autopsy room and rescues their friend and then they fly away.

Or do they!?! We get a distress call that two men are down. Clearly someone...or something...is still on the boat. Hopper, Rihanna, and fresh bait go play some hide and seek with the alien, he grabs one of the nameless men and throws him 40 feet like he was nothing. Hopper decides it’s best if just he and Rihanna continue the chase. If I was Hopper, I’d be George Costanzaing it right now. I’d be doing the exact opposite of every thing I normally would do. It’d work out so much more better.

That doesn’t sound so bad.

The Sharks had an impressive win over the Kings yesterday and waived Paul Martin. It seems like the the Sharks have turned a corner, but I think I say that just about everyone of these dumb things. The Coyotes should be pretty easy to beat. They’re bad, like worse than the Senators bad, so that doesn’t bode well for the Sharks. But I’ve got a “we’re going to continue this winning streak” kind of good felling, so don’t let me down Sharks. Also, are we even on a winning streak right now?