clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Battle(ofCali)Ship: Ducks Edition

Dhark? Shuck? Shuck Dark? Duck Shark.

Fat Rock is in the engine room for some reason, I’m pretty sure he was just outside watching the aliens fly away, but whatever. The alien that stayed behind that Hopper and Rihanna are chasing busts in and decides it’d be a good idea disable the engine. Fat Rock will have none of that and tries to beat up a 7+ foot tall alien creature in full body armor with his bare hands. Only the real Rock could pull this off so of course he gets worked over. Hopper busts in, guns blazing. Remember how he took off the alien’s helmet and got a close up look at it? Well, he decides to shoot up the body armor and nothing happens. Nothing besides him getting punched by an alien.

Rihanna sees all this and is like “that looks fun” so she starts blasting away at the giant alien too. Well, same shit, different person. After taking a pretty good blow to the face, Hopper wakes up and yells for her to get to the CIC. I don’t know what CIC is, but she races her ass through the boat to get there while Hopper pulls a Predator and yells at the alien to chase him. Lucky for him, this alien is dumb and does. Rihanna gets behind the wheel of a large gun, adjusts her headset because she’s a fucking professional, and shoots a large artillery round directly into the face of the alien. Which does, in fact, kill it.

Like I said before, every one of Rihanna’s lines are pure gold.

Back on land Chicken Burrito and Mr. Military come across the dead park rangers. Mr. Military tells Chicken Burrito to grab some keys off a dead man because...uh...honestly I’m not sure. The aliens come out from where ever they were and we get a pretty tense game of hide and seek. Eventually the aliens leave after staring at horses, allowing Chicken Burrito and Mr. Military to get to a cop’s jeep to call for help. Oh, the keys were for that. Fine, somethings in the movie make sense. Nerd Boy runs out and almost gets merked. He sees that Mr. Military is a double amputee with prosthetic legs and immediately thinks he’s a cyborg and with the aliens. Smart people are really dumb. After cleaning his pants, he tells them he’s responsible for bringing the aliens to earth.

This perfect movie would be even more perfect if this was true.

We’re at the Pentagon baby! Some suit casually drops the fact that the ship that crashed into Hong Kong killed 25 thousand people. That’s impressive. The main science nerd who thought it was a great idea to send messages to space for aliens to find us drops some exposition, letting us know that the aliens have put Hawaii on lock down because they need to tell the rest of their buds to come and enslave or kill humans because we’re worthless beings. To hammer home this point, we cut back to the island and Mr. Military is saying the same thing. And then Nerd Boy really dumbs it down with “ET wants to phone home”. So hopefully you understand why the aliens are here and are so focused on Hawaii.

Todd is now wearing the alien helmet, which seems like a terrible idea given that it could have all sorts of alien germs that could kill him in seconds or minutes or who knows how long. Just don’t wear alien helmets folks. But he’s staring into the sun both with and without the helmet because he’s southern (aka dumb). He tracks down Hopper and shows him a picture of his lizard. Not a euphemism. His actual lizard. Why? Well, the lizard’s eyes are like the alien’s eyes! Duh. Todd brought a lizard to the beach because of course he would, and the lizard hated it because it couldn’t handle the sunlight. Sure, why not Todd. So that means the aliens hate the sun too.

Great question.

We end this section with some news shows talking about the alien invasion. BARACK! Oh man, Barack is on my screen talking about the aliens in Hawaii. Well, not really, they’re stitching clips together, but still. President Obama talking about an alien invasion is pretty awesome, and honestly feels more real today than it should. Anyway, the entire globe is rioting now. And civilization seems to be collapsing because a few alien ships landed on earth. That, that actually sounds about right.

Martin Jones sucks, Aaron Dell is great, and now we get Dell for the second night in a row. I’m sure this is fine. The LA Kings suck now, which is awesome. The Sharks are exceedingly average, which we knew. And the Ducks will probably start getting really good starting now and make their annual run to make the playoffs. So, I’m looking forward to watching the MN Vikings destroy my love of football for the 20th time in my life. Skol!