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Battle(ofCali)Ship: Red Wings Edition

Sharktopus is real.

So we know what the aliens want. Their communications ship is destroyed and they need to send a message back to their planet. That message is likely “Want to wipe out another planet for shits and giggles?” Some army men are yelling at Admiral Neeson, telling him to fly more planes into the impenetrable force field. With brains like that, it’s no wonder we’re mired in decades long wars with no end in sight. Anywho, Admiral Neeson tells them to fuck off unless they want to fly into it themselves and die. Gotta respect the moxie there.

Back on the island we find there’s 5 hours left until a satellite is in position to send out the alien message. That means there are 5 hours left in this movie because it is a documentary shot in real time. Smash cut to the boat, Hopper is recapping the day and letting us, I mean his crew, know that they don’t have radar, it’s dark, and they can’t see the aliens. Nagata is all, “I’ve got a brilliant plan on how we can blow these dudes up. There are tsunami buoys in a grid pattern, so we can see when waves get bigger and that’s where they are. Then we can shoot at a specific spot on that grid and try and hit them.” That’s right, they’re playing fucking Battleship! Oh, and Hopper says something casually racist before it all. They get the grid and get down to kicking alien butt! Hopper is so humbled he gives his captain’s chair to Nagata (probably the smartest thing he’s done all movie).

Tsunami buoys!

Nerd Boy is talking to Chicken Burrito and the Cyborg about how smart he is in a smarmy condescending way (his default setting) saying that he could 100% get a transmission through to Hopper’s ship and have them blow up the transmission dishes where they’re at. When they tell him to go get what he needs to help save the world, he gets all whiny (also his default setting) and complains that there are killer aliens where it is. If humanity dies off from an alien invasion, let the record show that it’s Nerd Boy’s fault.

Back on the ship, the game is afoot! And even though Hopper has relinquished control, he’s still the first to spot the signal of the alien ship (not bad for someone who has no idea how it works) and then orders Rihanna to blow shit up. They completely miss the ship because they need to build some tension and of course the aliens now know where they are based off of the shot (so it’s not totally Battleship the game, but still...they’re playing Battleship in Battleship!).

Oh hell yeah.

Back on the island, Nerd Boy gets his instrument, but somehow a giant alien sneaks up on him and he basically pisses himself. But he’s able to run away with the case, so hurrah for that. The world’s coolest game of Battleship continues. They fire again (and miss!) and a second ship starts moving toward them. They launch a bunch of their Battleship death pieces at the boat and Hopper has the brilliant idea of going really fast in reverse, and it works! No instant death for them this time. Imagine if you could move pieces in the actual Battleship game, it’d be way harder. The alien ships are getting closer, they have basically one more shot before two spaceships are right on top of them. They fire off shots at both and guess what, they hit them both! Such tension! And you totally guessed it!

Aren’t we all.

So the Sharks are playing the Red Wings tonight. Remember when Gary Bettman moved them from the Western Conference to the Eastern Conference because they were so bad they would have missed the playoffs in the West and that would have ended their amazing streak of getting into the playoffs? Well, that worked for a little bit and now they’re absolute shite. But so are the Sharks now that Joe Thornton is effectively dead. Hockey sure does suck.