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You’re Problematic: Fire Edition

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You and your team are insensitive dick polishers

Stanley Cup Finals - Pittsburgh Penguins v Detroit Red Wings - Game Five
Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

California is awesome with its perfect weather, amazing conglomerate of cultures, and legal weed. It is the true state of hockey, as evidenced with our plethora of Stanley Cups lately. It is where championship basketball resides, overriding Lebron James most years. We steal your football teams and make them palatable. We find ways to make baseball not as boring. And yes, weed.

But we are not always so blessed. We catch fire. A lot of people are forced to evacuate. Some people lose homes. A handful of people die. It’s terrible.

And fucking Calgary thinks that’s okay and even wonderful. To be named the flames? That’s something they love. I cannot think of a more insensitive team name in all of sports. Fire is death. Fire is destruction. Fire is what is in hell, which to be fair is pretty much Calgary. All the more appropriate since Matthew Tkachuk is Satan himself.

Calgary cheers even hearing the word red because of how much it reminds them of the fires that ravage the state they are so jealous of. I don’t throw the term around much, but this is the epitome of classless. Again, team employs Matthew Tkachuk etcetera etcetera.

How the National Hockey League allows this to stand is beyond me. Alberta itself even had horrendous fires that wrecked havoc for miles not so long ago. What a bunch of a fucking idiots. Tkachuk, again, perfect representation of being as dumb as a pile of rocks.

The Flames should apologize. Then they should rename their team. Probably while moving to Houston or Kansas City. Then they should apologize again.

The Houston Missing Airliners sounds much better. They could put Tkachuk on one. You would still have fans of his from other teams yanking him in the pants though, but these are the same people who serve detentions for the school bully who shit in someone’s locker because they think they’re friends and it’ll make them cool.