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Battle(ofCali)Ship: Senators Edition

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It’s a political shark. Get it, Senators...Sharks. Look, I know it’s stupid too. Just humor me.

Alien ships that traversed light years of space are in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and an American military man thinks that firing at them is a good idea. What do think, intrepid reader...is that a good idea? If you immediately said “no” you’d be right! In response to getting shot at, the alien ships fire what appear to be game pieces for the board game Battleship, lest we forget that this movie is based on a board game.

Oh shit, I forgot Young Hop is still out in his tiny boat with Rihanna and dollar store Rock right next to the giant alien ship! They’ve been ignored by the spacecraft because, well, it’s not a threat at all to it. But as they speed away, Rihanna takes initiative to shoot it with a gun that probably would struggle to sink the inflatable raft they’re in. Bold move. As you can imagine, the spaceship does not like that at all. It obviously starts firing at Mini-Hop and crew, so big brother fires back to save him! But remember last time a big boat shot at a spaceship? Well, same shit different minute. Major Hopper’s boat gets wrecked by the battleship pieces as everyone screams. It’s a real head thumper why they thought that’d work.

(SCREAMING) is half the subtitles at this point

Now, you think that after firing a few times at aliens and getting your ass handed to you each and every time you’d turn tail and run. But that’s not what the brilliant mind of Elder Hop tells him to do. Instead he fires more and more. In response, well, the aliens blow up the damn boat with little effort and kills everyone on board all while Rihanna and her boys watch on in horror. But luckily with only one Hopper left, I don’t have to differentiate between the two anymore, so that’ll make things much easier. The older Hopper was also kind of a dick so fuck that guy.

Hopper and RiRi (and that other guy) get back to their boat. They need to talk to the CO and XO (the peeps in charge) but it turns out they’re dead! Holy shit that leaves the next most senior officer in charge and you’d never guess who that is. Actually, you 100% can guess who that is, it’s obviously Hopper and he is flummoxed. Everyone is screaming at him because they don’t know what to do and they want to do something! JUST SAY SOMETHING HOPPER!

Seriously, what’s next...calling out spots on a grid to shoot at?

He takes a deep breath and after seeing the amazing alien tech absolutely destroy ships without trying he decides it’d be best to retreat. Ha! Just kidding, he’s all FULL ATTACK! And everyone looks at him like he just said every problematic word at once. It’s really quite a thing to say something so profoundly dumb and just not realize it. So while this is happening, the Japanese ship is just kinda like sitting there, remember the Nagata/Hopper feud from earlier? It’s about to get worse because Hopper is going to do something extremely stupid with or without Japan.

Luckily their weapons systems are down otherwise Hopper would be dooming them do die. Instead he lets the Japanese ship fire at the aliens and to no one’s surprise they sink the Japanese ship immediately. But not everyone’s dead so that’s cool. Hopper decides to go rescue the sailors from the flaming wreckage, hahaha, nah, he’s still waiting for the weapons systems to get back online so the aliens can blow them up. Thankfully everyone is like “yo, those guys are dying, don’t be a dumbass” and Hopper does the first smart thing in his life and turns his ship to recuse the Japanese soldiers.

Todd and random seaman 54 are wondering why the aliens aren’t firing at them after they turned away from ramming the alien ship and were no longer a threat, I think they’re getting close to figuring it out. As the USS Hopper sets off to the sunken Japanese ship, the crazy forcefield spacecraft starts transforming and spits out some death yo-yos onto the Hawaiian mainland as a little transport ship takes off. Apparently Michael Bay thinks he’s remaking Transformers or something. I’m being told I’ve already used a Michael Bay joke, but screw it, it’s still apt.

What else would you call these things?

We get POVs from the yo-yos of death like we were getting earlier. And buddy, everything is red. Shit is about to get real. The grindcore yo-yos tear through everything like a hot knife through margarine. Helicopters, buildings, people, you name it, they destroy it. One of them is making its way toward highways (totally red), we cut away to a little league game because who cares if if military people get killed (they know what they signed up for), but bringing in innocent kids gives this movie some stakes finally. I hope the yo-yo doesn’t kill a 10 year old kid with a bat...tune in next time to find out if they do!

The Sharks are definitely going to have fun in Ottawa tonight (is that possible?). The Senators are so bad this year. They have a bad goalie, I couldn’t name a single forward on their team even though I know I have one on my fantasy roster, and their defense hinges on the half ankle of Erik Karlsson. But you never know what kind of team the Sharks are going to be day to day (or period to period), so who knows what’ll happen. I’m guessing Dell will be in net tonight. Everyone loves him and he’s been insanely good this season, so congrats to Ottawa on their 5-2 victory.