Battle(ofCali)Ship: Chicago Edition

Our rag tag bunch of well trained military people (and Hopper) just blew up two alien spaceships playing live action Battleship using tracking buoys and blindly firing into the night. God damn this movie is great. But they can’t celebrate long because they get a distress call over the radio from the Cyborg. Sam grabs the radio when she hears Hopper’s confused and dull voice. Oh yeah, Chicken Burrito’s name is Sam. I legit believe this is the first time you learn that...and we’re like 90 minutes in. This movie 100% fails the Bechdel test by the way.

Oh shit, another alien ship is coming for Hopper and crew. But Nagata is ready and already has Rihanna lining up another ass kicking. They’re about to fire and, what’s this? The ship zagged! Whoa, call out new coordinates my man. He does, let’s blow this fucker out of the water. Shit, the ship zigged. Apparently an alien race that can navigate light years of space to get to a new planet can figure out how to better protect itself after seeing two of their other ships done in. What do you think of that Nagata?

Hopper casually asks when sunrise is. He has brunch reservations and he doesn’t want to be late. Nah, just kidding, he is a smart man who trusts a child murdering psychopath from New Mexico when he says that the aliens are just like his pet lizard. That they hate the beach. I mean they are very sensitive to the sun. But to get where the sun rise is going to be they have to sail through a dangerous reef with no real systems for navigation. Whoa, talk about unnecessarily raising the stakes.

Nagata and Hopper grab some giant sniper rifles because why not and go chill outside to enjoy the view. Rihanna is giving a play by play update on how close the alien ship is. It goes from like 7 miles out to a few hundred yards away seemingly instantly while every time they cut to the map, everyone’s position is so random you wonder if Mr. Director-Man knew what he was really doing (he didn’t). Also, the 40 minutes elapse crazy fast as the sun is about to come up. But before it does, one of the lowkey best moments of the movie happens when Nagata is trying to tell Hopper where he learned to shoot. He says something in Japanese before correcting it to “summer campu.” Any normal human being would realize he was talking about summer camp immediately. Hopper lets that phrase sit for what feels like 5 minutes, repeating “summer campu” trying to decipher this impenetrable riddle before it dawns on him like he just solved the world’s more complicated math problem.

The alien spacecraft that they know is only yards away, and that they’ve all seen multiple times, comes into view and everyone reacts like they just saw it for the first time. Say what you will, everyone brought their A-game for this film. The aliens start busting out their battleship pieces of doom to fire at the only Navy ship that’s left but before they can fire, Nagata and Hopper blast a few rounds into what just happens to be the windshield of the spacecraft. It immediately breaks, which is shocking considering they flew through space only to be done in by a couple of rifle shots. The rising sun hits our alien friends and they do not like it one bit. It’s a great diversion and the humans fire off 3 torpedoes and multiple missiles/artillery rounds at the spaceship and blow those sons of guns out of the water!

Now all our heroes have to do is fire on Hawaii and take out a couple of satellite dishes. *glances at the time remaining* Now all our heroes have to do is survive the metal yo-yos of death that are raining down from the heavens onto their boat. I still don’t understand exactly what the yo-yos are, which is sad because I’ve seen this movie at least 20 times. Anyway, they tear up the boat real good and everyone has to abandon ship. Luckily all the captains are dead so no one has to go down with the boat. I’m not sure what boat sinking scene is more impressive, Battleship’s or Titanic’s, but I can tell you it is totally Battleship’s.

Back on land Cyborg, Chicken Burrito, and Nerd Boy can only watch as the last ship with weapons inside the force field sinks. Cyborg is the voice of reason and sees all the lifeboats floating around, so he’s not concerned. That may just be his stilted acting and dry delivery of every single line he has. Cyborg has a plan, in 3 hours the dishes will be in position to slingshot the alien communication signal to their home planet (reminder that that’s what they’re trying to stop), guaranteeing planetary destruction in 6 short years (after the signal reaches home and the alien fleet travels back to earth). But that won’t happen if they take out the dishes themselves! Chicken Burrito and Cyborg drive off to beat some alien ass, but Nerd Boy is staying behind because he’s a whiny shitheel. Just kidding, he gets them to stop and is going to hop in the vehicle to help out. Double just kidding, he has a briefcase in the back seat that he wanted because it’s his property. He better die (I’m not sure why I said that, I know what happens to him).

I guess the Sharks are still in second place in the division. Wow is the Pacific bad. I’m finishing this up as the Sharks got rolled by Nashville. Bold move for DeBoer to start our shittiest goalie against the way better team on the first night of a back to back. I’m sure that’ll pay off big time tonight against the Blackhawks. Joe Thornton is supposed to come back this season but we traded for Eric Fehr, so it’s basically like we already replaced Thornton in the lineup. Go, uh, Sharks.