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Battle(ofCali)Ship: Blues Edition

That’s a very good question, random internet picture.

A museum just blew up a giant alien spaceship...before I continue, might I add I just saw the titular Battleship while on vacation in Hawaii and I was 100% star struck. It was amazing. So, as I was saying, a museum just blew up a giant alien spaceship and Admiral Neeson yelled at everyone to get into a plane. Everyone seems happy, but not so fast, let’s not forget that the aliens can still send a communication to their home planet, and in a few short years they could be here to destroy us.

So we get back to the aliens on Oahu. They got their super sophisticated electronics tapped into the satellite dish cluster to shoot their signal up into space waiting for the super satellite to come by and slingshot that son of gun home! The signal is sent up as a giant laser into space because that’s how radio waves work and as the satellite is getting closer Chicken Burrito and Mr. Army come tearing over the hills in their stolen police jeep and take out most of the electronics to disrupt the alien signal. Take that jerks! Chicken Burrito crashes the jeep and it’s not looking good for the B-cast. The aliens are staring them down and walking towards them. Talk about suspense!

I’ve seen Atari games with better graphics.

Back aboard the floating museum, they’re assessing damage. After taking down a giant alien spacecraft they only have one big missile left. Oh man, what luck to have almost the exact amount of ammunition to destroy the most technologically advanced thing to ever be on this planet. But no time to dwell on that, we have aliens ready to throw down on our little driving bandits. Mr. Army tells Chicken Burrito that he’s got this. And he dramatically steps out of the jeep, ready to whoop some alien ass. Before we get to see the Throwdown in Oahu, Hopper needs that missile moved from one end of the battleship to the other. Dollar Store Rock breaks it down: they need to move a 1000 pound missile 500 feet. Now how the hell are they going to do that? If you said brute strength, you’d be right! Six guys throw a missile on their shoulders and are grunting and yelling down the hallway. That seems safe.

Oh hell yeah baby!

If you ever wanted to see a double leg amputee take on an alien in a street fight, have I got news for you, it’s happening now! Mr. Army throws a punch and the alien catches it and starts breaking all the bones in his hand because the alien is an absolute lad. But Mr. Army is resourceful and his lower half is nothing but metal so he knees the alien and rips off its helmet. With the bright sun out the alien can barely see because they have lizard eyes, remember that? With his broken hand Mr. Army throws some wicked punches and is starting to rock the alien. Jesus man, how long does it take to move a 1000 pound missile 500 feet? We’re back on the Missouri and they’re just getting the missile where it needs to be. ALIEN TEETH GO FLYING! These final scenes are super jumpy. Lets focus on one thing at a time, can we?

The alien was not a fan of losing its teeth and takes out Mr. Army’s legs. The alien’s swiss army arm turns into a sword and he’s about to take more of Mr. Army’s limbs until Nerd Boy comes back and saves the day. I really wish the aliens would have found and killed him, but I guess he can die later (spoiler alert: he doesn’t). So Mr. Army chokes out the alien all the while we see like a dozen aliens putting the satellite dish display back in order. Guess they really didn’t care about their alien friend. Nerd Boy goes to help Chicken Burrito (who’s stuck in the jeep) and is a real fuckstick about it.

Let me just be real honest here, the final few minutes are a jumbled mess of 10 second cuts so I’m going to try and do this all in one breath. They get the missile armed Rihanna gets the coordinates typed in the aliens get the satellite dishes working again the giant alien spacecraft is still functional and is getting death yo-yos ready the three humans start running down the side of the hill Hopper and Nagata are willing to sacrifice their lives to save humanity they launch the missile towards the island the yo-yos are launched the missile is a direct hit planes fire missiles that blow up the death yo-yos then take out the spacecraft everyone cheers and the sun sets on a beautiful day. *deep breath*

Admiral Neeson gives a speech talking about how great everyone was and personally gives thanks to Mr. Army and Dead Hopper. He then gives Hopper a silver star, which I think is good. Everyone that made his dumb ideas better and actually work seem a bit pissed at that. Now they’re all taking photos with each other like it’s the last day of summer camp. As we come to the end of the greatest movie of all time, Hopper goes to talk to Admiral Neeson about marrying his daughter. And Admiral Neeson gives him an emphatic “no.” Hopper immediately plays the “but I just saved the world” card. Seems like a lame place to play it, to marry the woman you love, but to each their own. Admiral Neeson is getting hungry and casually drops that he’s going to get a chicken burrito. Oh shit, he knows! YES! YES! YES! He walks away and turns around to tell Hopper they can discuss the terms of his surrender over a meal. CCR plays us out because that obviously makes sense.

There will never be a better movie than this.

It’s the final back to back of the season, the Sharks are playing the Blues. Honestly, I hope the Blues win because that would make it harder for the Kings to make the playoffs. But the boys in teal are on a tear right now so they’ll probably win by like 5 goals. Joe Thornton could return during the playoffs, and I’m getting excited for hockey for like the 3rd time all season. Can’t wait to get my heart ripped out.