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The Mighty Martyrs of Anaheim

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Boy, that was quick

Joe, I was thinking of YOU when I smooched Melker
Randy Vazquez

It’s been a few days since Anaheim ended their post season after being swept by the “still stuck in the 90’s” San Jose Sharks - a series that only lasted less than a full week.

While many Ducks fans are still feeling the sting and are mourning the fact that being swept has not happened since 1999 after the Detroit Red Wings sent them packing in a haste, I for one am proud. Proud because the Ducks decided to do such a sacrificial act in hopes that their archaic system using head coach, Randy “Big Boy Hockey” Carlyle, will be fired for the 2nd time in this upcoming offseason.

My super secret undercover sources confirmed whispers of the team discussing throwing the series. “Alright fellas, we’re gonna dump & chase RC to the unemployment line!”, one player excitedly hushed. While next years potential 4th line players quickly low-fived each other with the idea of being able to play more than 4 minutes a game. The boys showed such dedication to their plan as it unfolded in dumpster fire glory with plays such as being offsides on purpose during a goal which was called back, waiting until the final moment of the second period to score just a millisecond after the buzzer had sounded off, Nick Ritchie being Nick Ritchie, and Corey Perry “attempting” to score by shooting directly at Sharks goaltender Martin Jones’ pads.

It was all complete when San Jose forward and noted dirty player, Tomas Hertl, scored the game-winning goal just a little over 2 minutes after Andrew Cogliano had tied things up. A play which would come from an “accidental” turnover in Anaheim’s defensive zone by Ducks captain, Ryan Getzlaf, who even managed to show his appreciation for the opponents by kissing Melker Karlsson during an intentional collision.

Corey Perry watches on in jealousy as Getzlaf frenches Karlsson
via reddit

And now as we’re removed from their heroic display in the first round, we Anaheim faithful will wait these next passing days for any announcement by Ducks general manager, “Barstool” Bob Murray, in hopes that he bought it all. Once again, I for one stand proud of my team who are not only hockey players but the bravest martyrs in this franchises history.

See you next season!

Go Ducks!

UPDATE: It didn’t work