As we draw closer to the start of what will likely be another Randy Carlyle Ducks season of hockey, the excitement in the air is palpable (tastes like disappointment with an essence of dump & chase).
Over the summer, the Anaheim Ducks made blockbuster moves with signing elite talents such as Luke Schenn, Andrej Sustr, Carter Rowney, and Brian Gibbons - just to name a few. Anaheim also locked up contracts for number one Vezina award snubbed goaltender, John Gibson, as well as forward Adam Henrique and young, disgustingly good looking defenseman, Brandon “The Body” Montour.
All Anaheim faithful would rejoice to see Kevin “I Need A Nap From Turning The Puck Over Whilst Screening My Goaltender In Front Of His Crease So I’ll Just Lay Face Down Right Here” Bieksa and Antoine “I’m Only Good For Face-Offs, I Guess” Vermette pack their bags and move on. At the sad and unfortunate same time, Elite Number One Center Derek Grant would move off to Pittsburgh with Our Lord & Savior, Jared Rittenhouse Boll, officially retiring. The Ducks are set to get things going once again.
With all the excitement and anticipation of seeing said elite talent coming over to call the Pond their home, some fans were just not satisfied...
My sources have recently informed me that a crime took place during the very busy Anaheim Ducks summer where an angry Arm-Chair GM whose name has been reported as Mob Burray, broke into the Honda Center and into GM Bob Murray’s office in hopes of altering the roster to their liking; this crime has gone under the radar for confidential purposes. Mob Burray was found spinning in Bob Murray’s chair while calling other NHL teams GMs in the middle of the night where he was said to attempt trades such as Erik Karlsson for the entire Anaheim roster, John Tavares for a $5 In-N-Out gift card, Alex Ovechkin for a half-chewed stick of gum, and Eric Lindros for “funzies”.
I’ve obtained the Anaheim PD transcript of Burray’s interrogation where they asked him why he chose to do such a stupid thing:
Officer 1: “So Mob, why would you do such a stupid thing?”
Burray: “Because Bob Murray never does anything that I want him to do! He just sleeps during the draft, Free Agent Day, and at Trade Deadline! And I’m sick of it!”
Officer 2: “Really? Ducks just signed Adam Henrique to a 5-year deal with an AAV of $5.825M.”
Burray: “But he didn’t get Tavares! Erik Karlsson is still out there! Why not go for Jamie Benn or Ovechkin?? Ovi just won a Cup! We need all those guys!!”
Officer 2: “Benn has a No-Move-wait...what?”
Burray: “I know more than that hack, Bob Murray! I’ve done it on NHL 2017 GM Mode!”
Officer 1: “Did you have the ‘rookie’ settings on?”
Burray: “Maybe! Look, I just don’t understand why the Ducks can’t have all the best players!
We would win Cups all the time!”
Officer 1: “Anaheim only has $6M projected in cap space.”
Burray: “Cap Space?”
Officers 1&2: “*facepalm*”
No charges were made against Burray due to the club being utterly embarrassed for the person.
Welcome back, hockey fans.