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Left-Winger For Hire

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Pacioretty? Kovalchuk? Nope. Haley Joel Osment’s stand-in

Anaheim’s Next Top 3RD (4TH) Line Winger!

With the NHL pre-season underway, the Ducks are poised to make their mark going into the start of the regular season with a whole new game plan of using younger/faster players. I know, I know...it’s about damn time. Unfortunately, GM Bob Murray hopes that archaic system master himself, Randy Carlyle, can implement a modern day system. Oh, this otta be good.

Meanwhile, one player still remains to be re-signed: Nick Ritchie. The baby-faced left winger whose eyes are way too close together is a hold-out after being unsatisfied with contract offers from the Anaheim club’s GM, and has not yet participated in any training camp activities; he’ll also be sitting on the couch during the pre-season. With that, a spot remains open on Anaheim’s roster. Chances are that we will see one of the youngsters take it, but if Barstool Bob continues his search, I figured I’d help do my part. I’ve written this ad to place into the Pennysaver’s “help wanted” section. Maybe one of you out there can step up and slot in!

Do you have what it takes? If so, then read ahead:

Help Wanted: A New Nick Ritchie

Anaheim Ducks Hockey Club looking to hire a new semi-professional not so much experienced hockey player to fill a position as 3rd-line (but should really be 4th line) left winger.

Requirements: Must be no shorter than 6’ 2”, 230 lbs. with ABSOLUTE GRIT. Ability to take stupid penalties while being in the offensive zone and having fans wonder why you’re not spending more time in the AHL IS A-MUST!

Education Level: farm smart with a 3rd grade reading level. Sorry, Pat Maroon’s need not apply.

Contact: Facsimile resume to 1-800-IAM-JOBB to apply.

Go Ducks!

Writers Note: This will be my last post contributing to Battle of California for the time being. Wanted to be a sap by thanking Ryan Dunn & the BoC crew for posting my stupid trash. Big thanks for Jer who wanted to be lazy and allow me to contribute in the first place - was an honored to pick up his slack.